Real Talk. This post is part of a series that will be featured on the blog about more difficult and serious topics.
While it may be easy to focus on the fun things about sending your child off to college (who doesn’t love to spend days and several hundred dollars shopping on Amazon), there are some conversations that you should have with your student. Of course we think at this stage we have covered it all, right? But for most students this is there first time living outside of your home. And with that freedom comes a lot of responsibility. This isn’t to diminish the excitement any of you are feeling. This is an exciting time! It’s just that it’s easier to have the conversation now so that when you drive away from Athens after getting them settled in their dorm room, you have no lingering worries (well within reason, right?) to occupy the drive.
- Academics. This is why they are going to college to begin with, right? Talk to your student about what their personal goals are, how they plan to approach college pressures differently from high school, and how they are going to use the resources available to them. Discuss how they plan to share grades with you since you won’t have access like you might have in high school. Share a personal experience of your own about a time you may have struggled with school or work and how you overcame it. Kids need to know that a potential setback isn’t life ending – and it’s always good to make you (the parent) more human in their eyes.
- Relationships. Old relationships and new relationships. Your student may be heading off to college while in a relationship with another who is still in high school or who is heading off to a different college. Encourage them to have realistic ideas about what this will look like. Neither party should want to hold the other back from participating in events and social situations. They may think that being able to Facetime and text will make it easier, but that constant connection can also create issues. Make sure that they have thought this through and have set expectations before leaving home. As for new relationships, discuss how they may handle conflict with their roommate(s). What will they do if they have opposite class or sleeping schedules?
- Money. This can be a hard topic for a lot of people, but considering the investment of a college education it is one that you should have. If you haven’t yet, share the real cost of sending them to school. One of the things I always did within the Learning Community courses I taught was to have the students figure out how much each hour of coursework was costing them when you adding in tuition, fees, books, room and board, and spending money. And then equated that to them tearing up that much money every time they skipped class. I would tell them that they are paying to be here, so don’t throw money away by skipping class.
Besides school costs, talk to your student about spending money on incidentals. Do you need to give them a budget or an allowance if they aren’t working to help pay for these expenses? These are family decisions, but something to consider talking about. Also talk about what they will do or how they will feel if a friend cannot afford to do extra things or if they can’t afford to do the things their friends can. This could include meals outside of the meal plan. I remained shocked each year when students told me how much money they were spending on food to dine out vs. eating using their meal plan. Here’s a link to the Cost of College and Missing Class 2022 document if you want to do that exercise with your student. - Substances. We’ve all seen the headlines. College is risky. College students participate in risky behaviors whether on their own or encouragement of others. You may think to yourself that your student would never do x, y, or z. But the truth is we don’t know. Talk to your student how they think alcohol or drugs will play a role in their college experience. Discuss the inherent risk of buying drugs on the street, especially prescription drugs which can be contaminated with a deadly mixture that includes fentanyl. Talk to them about what they will do if a close friend or roommate seems to be overdosing or is passed out from too much alcohol. Do they understand how substance use can effect someone’s ability to consent to sexual activity? Be honest with them about your expectations when it comes to substance use.
- How to’s. Having sent my own child off to college and having worked in higher education for more than 10 years, I know from personal experience that some life skills need to be addressed. Make sure your student knows how to do laundry; how to make appointments for the doctor, dentist, a haircut, etc.; how to keep track of expenses; how to return an item via mail/UPS/Fedex; how to tip; and how to address an envelope (you would be surprised at how many students I have had to help address an envelope while in line at the post office).
- Communication. When your student is living under the same roof as you, you know their comings and goings as well as who they are hanging out with. Discuss what you expect in terms of communication. It may be unrealistic, and bit too much, for a daily phone call. What do you expect in terms of phone calls and answering text messages? Can you see your student on Life 360 or Find My Phone? Do they know this? Be transparent. If you’re the type of parent who will be checking to see if your student got up for their 8 a.m. class by tracking their phone, take a deep breath. Consider how you will approach this. Same goes for checking their location in the middle of the night and realizing they aren’t in their residence hall. All families are different. But consider these scenarios and anticipate conversations about it and be clear about your expectations. We want our students to become independent adults and establishing boundaries and expectations is part of this process.
Here are some resources for you as a parent as well. Have you signed up for the Dean of Students newsletter, Keeping Bobcats Informed? Concerned about your students mental health? OHIO’s Counseling and Psychological Services can provide assistance. Visit the FAQ page on the Dean of Students website for more resources.
I’m sure that you can think of many other topics that are important to you and your family. Bottom line is have the conversation proactively before they leave home. It will make the first days, months, and semesters at college a little better for everyone.
Tell us below what other “real talk” you shared with your student. How did the conversation go?
